Understanding BPD: When Push/Pull and Instability Escalate to Unprecedented Love, Care and Patience

Dealing with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) partner can be a challenging experience, marked by intense highs and lows. It is common for individuals with untreated BPD to exhibit erratic behaviors, including push/pull dynamics and emotional instability. Despite this instability, there are instances where such individuals display an overwhelming amount of love, care, and patience, which can sometimes leave those around them puzzled.

Why BPD Partners May Suddenly Show Unseen Understanding and Affection

The fear of abandonment is the driving force behind much of the behavior exhibited by individuals with BPD. Their push/pull dynamics are a deliberate attempt to control the perceived/feared abandonment, while their subsequent love-bombing is a desperate attempt to win you back after an episode of push/pull.

It is important to note that these partners are often aware of their condition. They may be making an effort to manage their emotions and behavior, especially when they understand that you may be considering ending the relationship. By extending patience and care, they are trying to prove their commitment and stability.

From a personal perspective, as someone with BPD, I can attest that fluctuations in behavior are largely influenced by my internal state. When I am not in a good place, I tend to retreat into myself and push people away. Conversely, when I regain my sense of well-being, I return to my warm and loving self.

While these behaviors can be hurtful, it is essential to understand that they are not deliberate attempts to reject or harm. The shame from potentially hurting loved ones is almost unbearable for individuals with BPD. They struggle with deeply rooted self-hatred and the belief that others would be justified in ending the relationship if they fully understood the depth of an individual's struggles.

Supporting an Unreliable Partner with BPD

If your BPD partner is willing to seek help, it is a significant step toward recovery. Encourage them to engage in therapy, as BPD is one of the mental health disorders that can be outgrown with proper treatment and support. Mutual understanding and love can play a crucial role in their recovery journey.

However, if your partner refuses help, it may be crucial to reassess the situation. The constant emotional strain and potential for abuse can significantly impact your mental health. Recognize that your well-being is paramount, and if the relationship is toxic, it may be time to prioritize your well-being.

Strategies to Navigate the Turbulent Emotions of BPD

If you decide to continue the relationship, consider the following strategies to support you both:

Stay Consistent: Provide clear, direct instructions regarding your needs and expectations. This consistency can help your partner feel more secure and understood. Show Empathy: Approach your partner with understanding and patience. Recognize that their erratic behavior stems from their internal emotional struggles. Negotiate Safe Spaces: Ensure that your partner understands how their behavior makes you feel. Encourage them to reflect on their actions and seek ways to improve their behavior. Use Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and reward positive behaviors, while setting boundaries for harmful actions. This approach can help redirect their focus towards more constructive behaviors. Engage in Distracting Activities: Simple actions like hiding the TV remote or taking a walk can shift their focus and create a more balanced environment.

Remember, while these strategies may provide temporary relief, they do not replace professional help. Continuous support and encouragement from loved ones can significantly contribute to their recovery journey.

Beyond the Highs and Lows

Although the highs can be exhilarating, it is important to acknowledge that the lows are undoubtedly difficult. Living with a BPD partner requires emotional resilience and constant support.

Others who have experienced the same dynamics highlight the compassionate and loyal nature of BPD individuals, no matter the outward appearance. Their love is genuine, driven by the fear of losing someone they care deeply about. This intense emotional investment can make even the hardest days feel worth it.

In the end, the decision to continue or reassess the relationship lies with you. Your mental health and well-being are invaluable. If the relationship becomes too overwhelming, it may be time to seek help or consider rebuilding in a more stable setting.

Conclusion

While the emotional rollercoaster of living with a BPD partner can be challenging, understanding and patience can make a significant difference. Remember that the desire for love and stability is universal, even for those struggling with BPD. Through support and professional help, it is possible for both individuals to grow and heal together.

Additional Resources

For more information and support, consider exploring the following resources:

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Psychology Today BPD Hope

These resources can provide additional support and educational materials to help you better understand and navigate the challenges of living with a BPD partner.