The Complexity of Communication in Borderline Personality Disorder: Mixed Signals Explained

As a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I can confidently state that my communication skills are not a symptom of my condition. I have no problem expressing my thoughts and feelings clearly. The issue of mixed signals stems from a complex blend of emotional and behavioral patterns that are often not under one's control.

Understanding Communication in BPD

The idea that people with BPD struggle with communication is a common misconception. Misinterpretation occurs because BPD is characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behaviors, and a fear of abandonment. These elements can create misunderstandings in interactions, often leading to mixed signals. People with BPD, or pwBPD, do not want their illness; they primarily struggle with regulating and maintaining emotional stability. This instability stems from the body's endocrine system, which can render them temporarily in automatic control, separate from their conscious thoughts and intentions.

The Complex Interplay of Emotions and Actions

When emotions subside and the pwBPD remembers or is reminded of their actions, they often feel remorse or denial. They may deny their behavior to avoid the distressing emotions associated with it. Lack of understanding of the body's reactions can exacerbate these issues. As one gains knowledge about their illness, acceptance of behaviors improves, leading to a greater likelihood of recovery.

The YEARNING for Love and the Fear of Attachment

The contradiction between wanting love and fearing it is a central challenge for pwBPD. Many describe a swirling sense of wanting and needing love while fearing it deeply. This is manifested in statements like, "I want you here but I am scared you'll hurt me so I'm making up things in my head to hate you." This paradoxical behavior is confusing and alienating for both the individual and their loved ones.

The Role of Sense of Self in BPD

The core problem in BPD often lies in an underdeveloped sense of self. This lack of self-awareness can lead to fears of both abandonment and engulfment. To navigate these fears, having a strong sense of self becomes essential.

Dealing with Abandonment

A strong sense of self allows a person to retain their individuality and independence even in the face of a relationship ending. Goals, hobbies, morals, experiences, values, and a personal history remain intact, making it easier to cope with abandonment. A strong sense of self also enables clearer self-reflection, allowing for a more objective understanding of the relationship and its end.

Resisting Engulfment

With a well-defined sense of self, a person can maintain their own identity and goals, even as they engage in a relationship. Love does not mean losing oneself, but rather finding ways to intersect interests and values with those of others. Engulfment is avoided as the person remains grounded and understands that their identity is not at risk within the relationship.

Conclusion

Understanding the complexities of communication and behavior in BPD is crucial for anyone facing these challenges. By recognizing that the issues stem from a struggle for emotional stability, rather than poor communication skills, pwBPD and their support systems can work towards more effective and compassionate solutions. Empathy and knowledge are powerful tools in this journey.