Navigating the Push/Pull Dynamic in BPD Relationships

Navigating relationships with individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be challenging. One of the behaviors that often draws concern is the push/pull dynamic. This article will explore the nuanced nature of this behavior, why it exists, and how to understand and address it.

The Push/Pull Defense Mechanism

The push/pull dynamic is often described as a manipulative tactic used to control others. However, this description does not fully capture the complexity of the situation. Instead, it is more accurate to refer to this behavior as a push/pull defense mechanism. This mechanism serves as a way for individuals with BPD to protect themselves, rather than to control others for personal gain.

Understanding the Push

The push aspect of this dynamic involves creating distance and emotional withdrawal. This is not done for the sake of control, but rather as a means of self-protection. When an individual with BPD pushes someone away, it often stems from deep-seated fears of rejection and abandonment. It can also be a response to feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of their own emotions or by the emotional vulnerability of the other person.

The Trigger for Push

Causes of pushing away include: Fear of attachment leading to potential abandonment Feeling that the relationship is one-sided and unbalanced Feeling vulnerable and in need of emotional distance

The Pull

The pull aspect of this dynamic involves a sudden desire for closeness and connection. This can happen after pushing someone away or independently from the push. The individual may attempt to get closer, often out of a genuine need to be with the other person and seek emotional support. However, this behavior can be confusing and may come across as inconsistent.

Causes of Pull

Triggers for pulling include: Strong emotional attachment and desire for the other person Genuine need for emotional validation and support Fear of making the other person sad or feeling hurt

Why Does This Behavior Exist?

Individuals with BPD often engage in push/pull dynamics as a way of managing their complex emotions and fears. This behavior is not about control but rather about coping with underlying issues. Uncertainty about self-worth: Individuals with BPD may struggle with their own self-worth, which can lead to drastic changes in behavior as they seek validation and then fear rejection. Fear of emotional intimacy: The fear of being too close to another person can lead to push/pull behavior. This fear is often rooted in past experiences of rejection or abandonment. Mental health challenges: BPD is associated with a range of emotional dysregulation, which can make interactions unpredictable and emotionally charged.

Strategies for Addressing Push/Pull Behavior

Understanding that push/pull behavior in BPD is not a conscious effort to manipulate can help in developing strategies to address these behaviors. Here are a few suggestions: Communicate openly and honestly: Encourage open communication about feelings and the reasons behind push/pull behavior. Provide emotional support: Offer empathy and understanding, acknowledging that these behaviors are challenging for them. Seek professional help: Encourage the individual to seek therapy, as BPD requires ongoing professional support. Establish clear boundaries: Set boundaries to help manage expectations and prevent manipulation.

Conclusion

Push/pull behavior in BPD is a complex issue rooted in emotional dysregulation and coping mechanisms. While it can be confusing and emotionally draining, understanding the underlying reasons can help in managing these behaviors more effectively. It is important to approach these situations with compassion and understanding, recognizing that the individual is likely not engaging in these behaviors with malicious intent.

Keywords:

Borderline Personality Disorder, Push/Pull Tactic, Manipulation